Just cropdusted the office
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
