Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
