On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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