Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
