just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
