I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
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