This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
