just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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