so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
