I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
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She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
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Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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