i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
