The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
