Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
