She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
