Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
