I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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