Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
