Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
