look no pants
i think i have two assholes
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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