do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
