I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
