More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
