Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
