Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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