shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
