Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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