I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
