i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I just gift wrapped bread.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
