May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
