I just cut my nipple shaving
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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