I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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