What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
