I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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