I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
