You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
