Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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