Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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