ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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