Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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