my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
