apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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