well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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