she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
