I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
