you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
