I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
you had me at cake vodka
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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