Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
