I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Please, let me fuck your mom
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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