you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
