he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
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After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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