Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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