i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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