I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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