Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
