She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
