I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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