We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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